Name: N.S Dorrington
Country of Residence: Cayman Islands
Title: CHASING FREEDOM
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
Pitch: Chase Finn is a threat. The Government agents tracking him will stop at nothing to see him neutralised. They aren’t the only ones. Chase is just a pawn in a centuries-old war, and unfortunately no-one has bothered to ask what he wants.
They’ll discover that the most important thing about Chase isn’t that he’s a werewolf, it’s that he’ll sacrifice everything, even his own freedom, for the people he loves.
*You do a good job of packing a lot in such few words without getting too jumbled.
*This pitch is action-packed and fast-paced- this only shows good things about the actual novel.
*The things that drew me in were: Chase is a werewolf. The government wants him dead. He’ll sacrifice everything to save his loved ones.
*There are way too many generic phrases in here: threat, government agents, neutralized, centuries-old war, werewolf, people he loves. None of those phrases stand out as unique to me, and with fantasy, it needs to be unique- you need to show how your novel is different. Why is he a threat? Who are the government agents- angels, vampires, humans? Does neutralized mean dead? Who specifically does he love? Why must he have to sacrifice everything for the people he loves? Why must he make that choice? These are just some questions to think about- they don’t have to all be answered in the pitch, but you need to find a way to really make your novel stand out.
*I think you should mention Chase is a werewolf sooner- maybe in the first line. When the novel is fantasy, these elements need to be mentioned first.
*Why is Chase Finn a threat? I want to know this. Werewolves are overdone in the marketplace, so perhaps the reason he’s a threat makes the story more unique. Perhaps, the first two parts of your pitch should mention the werewolf and why he’s a threat. Play around with a couple of different options and see what comes out.
*Here are the main points in this pitch: Chase is a werewolf. Something about him makes him a threat. The government wants him dead. He’ll sacrifice everything to save his loved ones. I think the big thing we need to know is what is the threat?
Hope this helped! And remember, I'm just one person with one opinion. Please feel free to post other versions in the comments section, and I'll give you some more feedback! Would love to see a couple of different options.
Don't forget: Check out all of the workshop host blogs to critique as many pitches as you can. For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from our contest host Sharon Johnston and workshop hosts Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski, Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.