Get Your Pitch On Workshop Critique 2: CHASING FREEDOM

Name: N.S Dorrington

Country of Residence: Cayman Islands

Title: CHASING FREEDOM

Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

Word-count: 81,000

Pitch: Chase Finn is a threat. The Government agents tracking him will stop at nothing to see him neutralised. They aren’t the only ones. Chase is just a pawn in a centuries-old war, and unfortunately no-one has bothered to ask what he wants.

They’ll discover that the most important thing about Chase isn’t that he’s a werewolf, it’s that he’ll sacrifice everything, even his own freedom, for the people he loves.

*You do a good job of packing a lot in such few words without getting too jumbled.

*This pitch is action-packed and fast-paced- this only shows good things about the actual novel.

*The things that drew me in were: Chase is a werewolf. The government wants him dead. He’ll sacrifice everything to save his loved ones.

Some Suggestions:

*There are way too many generic phrases in here: threat, government agents, neutralized, centuries-old war, werewolf, people he loves. None of those phrases stand out as unique to me, and with fantasy, it needs to be unique- you need to show how your novel is different. Why is he a threat? Who are the government agents- angels, vampires, humans? Does neutralized mean dead? Who specifically does he love? Why must he have to sacrifice everything for the people he loves? Why must he make that choice? These are just some questions to think about- they don’t have to all be answered in the pitch, but you need to find a way to really make your novel stand out.

*I think you should mention Chase is a werewolf sooner- maybe in the first line. When the novel is fantasy, these elements need to be mentioned first.

*Why is Chase Finn a threat? I want to know this. Werewolves are overdone in the marketplace, so perhaps the reason he’s a threat makes the story more unique. Perhaps, the first two parts of your pitch should mention the werewolf and why he’s a threat. Play around with a couple of different options and see what comes out.

*Here are the main points in this pitch: Chase is a werewolf. Something about him makes him a threat. The government wants him dead. He’ll sacrifice everything to save his loved ones. I think the big thing we need to know is what is the threat?

Hope this helped! And remember, I'm just one person with one opinion. Please feel free to post other versions in the comments section, and I'll give you some more feedback! Would love to see a couple of different options.

Don't forget: Check out all of the workshop host blogs to critique as many pitches as you can. For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from our contest host Sharon Johnston and workshop hosts Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski, Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.

Get Your Pitch On Workshop Critique 1: SUMMER OF HOPE

Name: Jodie Andrefski
Country of residence: United States
Title: SUMMER OF HOPE

Genre: YA Contemporary romantic drama (this is a mouthful- YA Contemporary Romance sounds cleaner)

Word-count: 58,000

Pitch: Sixteen-year-old Callie watched her best friend die and couldn't do anything to stop it. Now the boy she loves is dying too. When Ethan confesses that the secret he'd been hiding is that he has Hodgkin's disease, Callie has to choose whether she'll stay by his side and watch another boy she loves die; or run, and risk losing any hope of ever loving again. Her decision changes both of their families' lives--forever.

*I really like the premise of this. It's a YA romance, but with a much deeper touch than what I'm used to seeing. Depending on the voice you use, this could be a great novel with some potentially amazing character arcs. It would be interesting to read about the emotional growth and maturity of the MC through this event. I think that may be what intrigues me the most!

*There are some really strong points in the pitch. The last line- "Her decision changes both of their families' lives-- forever" is great. It grabbed my attention because it shows her decision was something so crucial, everyone's lives were turned upside down- whether for the good or bad, we don't know, and I'm not sure we need to.

*You do a great job of getting to the main conflict/plot without cluttering with a bunch of unnecessary details.

Some suggestions:

*I'm not sure the best friend's death is relevant in the pitch. I understand you want to get across the point that Callie is already broken, and this new potential death is enough to make her want to flee. But it might be more of an unnecessary space filler. Maybe try a pitch without this info and see how it comes out.

*Is the boy she loves her boyfriend? Does he love her back? This seems important to me. If he doesn't love her back, it doesn't seem as crucial that she stay. She would have a lot less to sacrifice by running if he wasn't depending on her to be there for him.

*Not sure if the stakes are enough for me to read on. I would automatically assume she stays with the boy she loves. And if she does run away, she probably comes back. I'd like the pitch to have some type of stakes that surprise me- that really grab my attention. While the choice to run or stay is dramatic, and a horrible position to be in, it doesn't quite shock me or make it memorable.

*Again, the part about changing the families' lives forever really intrigues me. Perhaps say in the pitch what she does- stay or run (instead of portraying it as a choice)- and how exactly that impacts them.

*I want more of a sense of the voice in the pitch. It's so hard with so little words, but maybe if you could put just touch of it in there, it would help get more of a feel for the MC's personality.

Hope this helped! And remember, I'm just one person with one opinion. Please feel free to post other versions in the comments section, and I'll give you some more feedback! Would love to see a couple of different options.

Don't forget: Check out all of the workshop host blogs to critique as many pitches as you can. For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from our contest host Sharon Johnston and workshop hosts Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski, Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.