Get Your Pitch On Workshop Critique 2: CHASING FREEDOM

Name: N.S Dorrington

Country of Residence: Cayman Islands

Title: CHASING FREEDOM

Genre: YA Urban Fantasy

Word-count: 81,000

Pitch: Chase Finn is a threat. The Government agents tracking him will stop at nothing to see him neutralised. They aren’t the only ones. Chase is just a pawn in a centuries-old war, and unfortunately no-one has bothered to ask what he wants.

They’ll discover that the most important thing about Chase isn’t that he’s a werewolf, it’s that he’ll sacrifice everything, even his own freedom, for the people he loves.

*You do a good job of packing a lot in such few words without getting too jumbled.

*This pitch is action-packed and fast-paced- this only shows good things about the actual novel.

*The things that drew me in were: Chase is a werewolf. The government wants him dead. He’ll sacrifice everything to save his loved ones.

Some Suggestions:

*There are way too many generic phrases in here: threat, government agents, neutralized, centuries-old war, werewolf, people he loves. None of those phrases stand out as unique to me, and with fantasy, it needs to be unique- you need to show how your novel is different. Why is he a threat? Who are the government agents- angels, vampires, humans? Does neutralized mean dead? Who specifically does he love? Why must he have to sacrifice everything for the people he loves? Why must he make that choice? These are just some questions to think about- they don’t have to all be answered in the pitch, but you need to find a way to really make your novel stand out.

*I think you should mention Chase is a werewolf sooner- maybe in the first line. When the novel is fantasy, these elements need to be mentioned first.

*Why is Chase Finn a threat? I want to know this. Werewolves are overdone in the marketplace, so perhaps the reason he’s a threat makes the story more unique. Perhaps, the first two parts of your pitch should mention the werewolf and why he’s a threat. Play around with a couple of different options and see what comes out.

*Here are the main points in this pitch: Chase is a werewolf. Something about him makes him a threat. The government wants him dead. He’ll sacrifice everything to save his loved ones. I think the big thing we need to know is what is the threat?

Hope this helped! And remember, I'm just one person with one opinion. Please feel free to post other versions in the comments section, and I'll give you some more feedback! Would love to see a couple of different options.

Don't forget: Check out all of the workshop host blogs to critique as many pitches as you can. For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from our contest host Sharon Johnston and workshop hosts Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski, Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.

Get Your Pitch On Workshop Critique 1: SUMMER OF HOPE

Name: Jodie Andrefski
Country of residence: United States
Title: SUMMER OF HOPE

Genre: YA Contemporary romantic drama (this is a mouthful- YA Contemporary Romance sounds cleaner)

Word-count: 58,000

Pitch: Sixteen-year-old Callie watched her best friend die and couldn't do anything to stop it. Now the boy she loves is dying too. When Ethan confesses that the secret he'd been hiding is that he has Hodgkin's disease, Callie has to choose whether she'll stay by his side and watch another boy she loves die; or run, and risk losing any hope of ever loving again. Her decision changes both of their families' lives--forever.

*I really like the premise of this. It's a YA romance, but with a much deeper touch than what I'm used to seeing. Depending on the voice you use, this could be a great novel with some potentially amazing character arcs. It would be interesting to read about the emotional growth and maturity of the MC through this event. I think that may be what intrigues me the most!

*There are some really strong points in the pitch. The last line- "Her decision changes both of their families' lives-- forever" is great. It grabbed my attention because it shows her decision was something so crucial, everyone's lives were turned upside down- whether for the good or bad, we don't know, and I'm not sure we need to.

*You do a great job of getting to the main conflict/plot without cluttering with a bunch of unnecessary details.

Some suggestions:

*I'm not sure the best friend's death is relevant in the pitch. I understand you want to get across the point that Callie is already broken, and this new potential death is enough to make her want to flee. But it might be more of an unnecessary space filler. Maybe try a pitch without this info and see how it comes out.

*Is the boy she loves her boyfriend? Does he love her back? This seems important to me. If he doesn't love her back, it doesn't seem as crucial that she stay. She would have a lot less to sacrifice by running if he wasn't depending on her to be there for him.

*Not sure if the stakes are enough for me to read on. I would automatically assume she stays with the boy she loves. And if she does run away, she probably comes back. I'd like the pitch to have some type of stakes that surprise me- that really grab my attention. While the choice to run or stay is dramatic, and a horrible position to be in, it doesn't quite shock me or make it memorable.

*Again, the part about changing the families' lives forever really intrigues me. Perhaps say in the pitch what she does- stay or run (instead of portraying it as a choice)- and how exactly that impacts them.

*I want more of a sense of the voice in the pitch. It's so hard with so little words, but maybe if you could put just touch of it in there, it would help get more of a feel for the MC's personality.

Hope this helped! And remember, I'm just one person with one opinion. Please feel free to post other versions in the comments section, and I'll give you some more feedback! Would love to see a couple of different options.

Don't forget: Check out all of the workshop host blogs to critique as many pitches as you can. For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from our contest host Sharon Johnston and workshop hosts Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski, Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.

Get Your Pitch On Workshop: Submit Now

How to submit: Email your draft pitch to pitchonws@gmail.com. Workshops start on October 1, but send pitches now to secure your spot with a host blog. Include PitchOnWS and manuscript title in the subject line. Pitches must follow these formatting guidelines:

Name: Kaitlin Adams

Email: jkaitlinadams(at)gmail(dot)com

Country of Residence: USA

Title: FORCED TO FLY
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy

Word Count: 70,000

Pitch: In Easten, a parents’ status depends on their child’s talent. Lori can fly, so her parents register her in Easten’s Talent Show. If she impresses the judges, her parents move into the Palace. If she doesn’t impress, she’ll hang. During registration, Lori befriends Davis. His talent isn’t so impressive- he holds his breath. Lori devises a plan to save him. If she gets caught, she’ll hang before she even performs.

Important Rule: If you want to participate in a workshop, you must be prepared to comment on at least one other pitch. 

*There is no date deadline for the workshops. Each blog has allocated a set number of pitches they can host. Once those spots are full no more submissions will be taken. Draft pitches will be evenly distributed between host blogs.

When the pitches are posted, make sure to check out all of the workshop host blogs to critique more pitches. For each critique you leave in the comments, you get an entry into the drawing to win one of eight 10-page critiques from our contest host Sharon Johnston and workshop hosts Larissa Hardesty, Stephanie Diaz, Catherine Scully, Jodie Andrefski, Paula Sangare, Talynn Lynn and Kaitlin Adams. Also, Sarah Nicolas will be giving away three query critiques! Please use the exact same name for all of your critiques. The opportunity ends 10/14/2012.

An interview with Commissioning and Managing Editor of Hardie Grant Egmont, Marisa Pintado, will be coming up soon on Down Under Wonderings so you have an idea of what she's looking for before she takes your pitches both on Down Under Wonderings and YAtopia on October 15th. The exact contest opening times will be included in that post.

If you have any questions, just ask them in the comments section. Have fun honing your pitches!

Get Your Pitch On!

Hello Writing Warriors!

I hope you've got your pitches ready, because an awesome contest is underway, thanks to Sharon Johnston over at Down Under Wonderings and YAtopia. Get Your Pitch On (#PitchOn) is October 15th (more details below), but first read about the Pitch Workshop on October 1st!

Workshop Info (October 1st)

Just as it's important to get someone else to look over your manuscript before you query, it's a good idea to get feedback on your pitch before you post. We have about twenty blogs who are ready to help you hone your pitch. These workshops start on October 1 and you can find the list of blogs participating here.

Contest Info (October 15th)

Commissioning and Managing Editor of Hardie Grant Egmont, Marisa Pintado, will be poised and ready to take your pitches both on Down Under Wonderings and YAtopia on October 15th.

Marisa is looking for YA in any genre and is accepting submissions from any where in the world. It's your chance to skip the slush pile and put your pitch right under the nose of a fantastic editor. There's even better news - there is no limit on how many requests Marisa will make from the contest!

Rules:

• Your manuscript must be complete, polished and ready to query - this means no first drafts or almost finished manuscripts.
• It must be YA.
• When the contest goes live on October 15th, post your entry details in the comments section of either YAtopia or Down Under Wonderings - each blog is accepting 100 entries only.
• Your entry detail needs to include a 50 - 70 word pitch.
• You can enter more than once if you have more than one complete, polished, ready to query manuscript.

Your contest details should be formatted like this:

Name: Sharon Johnston
Email: smjohnston [ @ ] live.com.au
Country of residence: Australia
Title: SLEEPER
Genre: Speculative Fiction
Word-count: 58,000
Pitch: Seventeen-year-old Mishca Richardson is a sleeper soldier with a weak heart. She has no idea that a life saving heart transplant has accidentally triggered her programming. In the search for answers, she discovers the truth and that her creator, Wirth, has classified her remaining "sisters" from her experiment group as defective, scheduling them for termination. Mishca sets out to save them before they're eliminated.

I'm so excited to be a part of this competition. So now it's time for you to Get Your Pitch On!

Please feel free to ask any questions in the comment box below!

Welcome, Writing Warriors!

I will be posting more later, but in the meantime:

• Check out the details for Get Your Pitch On Workshop/Contest (9/20/2012).
• Tell me a little bit about yourself! What are you writing? Why do you write? What's something crazy on your bucket list? (besides publishing a novel- heh.) Dedicated writers tend to cross paths often, and it's always fun to get to know each other.
• See my Contests/Critiques page and throw out some good ol' suggestions.
• Sign up for my Contest/Post Alerts and become a Writing Warrior Follower. Along with my own contests and critiques, I'll be posting a list of monthly contests other bloggers are hosting. They'll most likely be better than mine so you'll want to stay in the loop! Or, fill me in on the ones I missed :)